I went to buy milk Saturday morning. Just milk. A gallon of milk. 2%. Not a hard task, right?
But I wasn’t going to the grocery store where we usually go. I wasn’t going to Lord Waldemart. I was actually going into a convenience store (and whoever started this thing of calling them “c-stores” must be slapped silly, and soon, and often) because I also needed to make another stop nearby. At first glance, it looked as though they had no 2% milk. I only saw purple tops and red tops in the case, and everyone knows that a red top means whole milk and a purple top means skimmed milk, right? At least that’s the way it used to be.
Not so. Wiith this particular brand, the purple top was whole milk, and the red top was 2%.
America, this is wrong, wrong, wrong.
When I was growing up, we almost always drank Barber’s milk. Ever since Hector was a pup, Barber’s whole milk had a red label and a red top:
Barber’s 2% milk (which they used to call “Pro-Teen” had a light blue label and a light blue top:
The 1% milk (when you could find it) had a dark blue label and top:
Skimmed milk (please, not “skim milk”: really!) had a purple label and top:
And of course chocolate milk had a brown label and top:
This was also true if we bought the store brand milk. Same color scheme: red, light blue, dark blue, purple, brown. It was this way when I moved to Mississippi too, and the most common brand of milk was Dairy Fresh. Their web site doesn’t have pictures of the different varieties, but it was red, blue, purple, and brown (I don’t remember if they had 1% milk, so I don’t know if they did the light blue/dark blue thing). Similarly, the store brands used the same color scheme. It was easy to go into the store and grab what you needed.
Alas, many refuse to conform. Many prefer to confuse me.
At one store, 2% milk has a green top (green?), while skimmed milk has a pink top. Pink? Do we really want to drink milk with a pink top? Yak’s milk is pink. I don’t want to be thinking about yak’s milk while I’m eating my Corn Bursts or Tootie Fruities in the morning.
I propose a constitutional amendment that requires all dairies to return to the red, light blue, dark blue, purple, and brown color scheme at once, upon pain of death.
Otherwise, I might end up pouring buttermilk on my Marshmallow Mateys, and that would just be sad.